What do I want?

As I prepare to embark into the dating world again, I know that I will inevitably be asked some variation of the above question. It’s common dating fonder. So now I’m questioning myself. What is it I want in a mate? What am I looking for in my future? I thought I knew, and I thought I had what I wanted. However, with the end of another relationship, do I really know what it is I want in my future partner?


During my last foray into dating, a friend sent me a list of must haves for my future mate. This list was the bare bones of what a man needs to be your potential life partner. I want to share it with my readers in case any of you are also in this crazy dating adventure like me. These are not necessarily in order of importance, and these are her exact words. They are full of wisdom so I didn’t want to lose a single morsel of meaning.

• A career NOT  a job—jobs you get/lose – you don’t “lose” a career – no snobbery here – mechanics have careers – point is the guy can support himself and someone is willing to pay for his services
• Best friend – and you need to like this best friend – a man’s best friend tells a lot about him – a guy with no “buddy” is  a pathetic loser
• A vehicle – if he can’t get around on his own he will be asking you for rides – no excuses here – a single guy MUST have transportation of his own
• A home of his own – can be an apartment but it must be his name on lease/mortgage – guys in their 30s shouldn’t still be living with family/friends/crashing on someone’s couch
• A dentist/doctor – ask him who he goes to – if he doesn’t /can’t/isn’t willing to see a dentist/doctor on a regular basis it’s a clear sign he doesn’t take care of himself and can’t/won’t take care of others --- 30s are a time when guys have realized they are not kids anymore and they need to take care of their teeth and health
• The ability to speak kindly about exes – a man who can’t speak kindly about a woman he once loved is a loser – pure and simple
• A bank account AND a savings account – single and in his 30s? he should have more money coming in than going out – if he doesn’t have extra money when he’s single, he can’t afford a new life/wife
• A solid, healthy relationship with his children/siblings/parents   … or a darn good reason why not – this is a real key insight into a man – look closely at the relationships, too – does he let his children walk all over him because he feels guilty about the divorce? Do his siblings walk on him/borrow money from him/treat him like dirt? Does he rely on them for money? Is his relationship with his mom healthy or is he a mamma’s boy?
• The ability to pass a criminal background check – if there’s something in his past, can he explain it? Goals for his life – and these goals must align with yours – does he want to travel the world with a backpack and a smile? Doesn’t work well with someone who has a job and kids --

After going through her list many times, I decided I wanted to make my own of must haves above and beyond these basics. At the time I made the list, I was on eHarmony so I did what teachers do best and borrowed from their rather extensive list of “must haves” and “can’t stands.” Now that I’ve been in an actual loving relationship after my divorce, I have a better understanding of what I need to be happy with a mate and have modified the list which follows.


He must:

• love my daughter and understand that she is, and always will be, first in my life. He must be willing to take on the role of parent and be with us for the ups and downs.
• make “us” a priority. Maintaining a relationship isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes work from both parties. When I’m with someone, I do my best to make our relationship a priority. That can come in the form of planning time together or just letting him know that I’m thinking of him throughout the day. I must have a man that puts in that type of effort, too. I don’t need someone to be at my house every night or contacting me 24-7, but if I wonder if he’s forgotten about me or I’m not worth his time, I’m going to feel unimportant.
• be trustworthy and loyal. I’ve been cheated on in the past so, unfortunately, there’s a certain amount of “baggage” from that in the trust area. My man will never give a reason to doubt his love or trust and will understand that the past will occasionally rear its ugly head and will help me through that time.
• follow through. If we have plans, barring an actual emergency, don’t cancel. If you say you’ll call, then do it. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
• be a good communicator. Anyone who knows me knows I love to talk. It could be mindless banter about TV shows or deep conversation about life. My perfect man will be able to keep up with my endless talking.
• be affectionate. I love surprise kisses or a tender touch out of the blue. I cannot date someone who is emotionally closed off. To clarify, affection and sex are not interchangeable terms. Spending time cuddling with someone important is more satisfying than anything I can think of.
• be family oriented. I value family time and need a man who wants a family and values his and my family.
• be willing to do his part. Teaching and taking care of my daughter is a busy job. Maintaining a clean home and taking care of the various aspects of day to day life is hard. My perfect man will be willing to help out around the house and with the various tasks required of adults.
• be open to new experiences. I like to try new foods, locales, and activities. He must be willing to take on new adventures with me.
• be willing to compromise. We won't always agree on the same movies or activities but a man who is willing to come up with a happy medium to please us both will be perfect for me.

I kept my lists in my bag at all times when I was dating before and I plan to do the same thing with this new and improved version of my must haves. Any man who doesn't measure up isn't worth my time. Now here's to hoping he's actually out there


Xoxo,
Leia

I didn't expect to be writing here again!

Hello again, readers. It's been a few months since I've written a post. I've spent the last nine months dating a man who I felt was my lobster. However, things did not work out that way. I'm going to respect our privacy and not air our personal business. Corey has many wonderful qualities, but I had reasons which led me to end our relationship. I'm working through my feelings, because although this is my doing, I am still hurting. It's not easy to turn off nine months of feelings and memories. I'm hoping that one day I will wake and go through my day without everything reminding me of him. Whether or not I made the right decision, I'm not entirely sure, but what is done is done.

Instead of detailing my relationship with Corey, I've decided to focus on what I learned or had reaffirmed about myself during our time together.

First and foremost, I hate conflict. I can't stand to get into a fight or argument with anyone. As a result, I seem to keep things that bother me in a relationship to myself. As I bottle my annoyances up, they eat away at me until I am too angry. This is when I am forced to talk with my significant other. This happened with Corey. I know that this is a huge area I need to work on in myself. I have to get over my fear of confrontation and bring issues up immediately.

The other thing I learned about myself is that I live too much in the future. I'm constantly thinking about what's coming next instead of enjoying the present fully. This is my number one priority right now. Having a daughter who is growing so quickly is helping me to remember to enjoy each and every moment.

Finally, I'm too rigid and rash. Once I make a decision, I don't want to back down and I want to proceed with said decision immediately. I don't know why; perhaps I feel changing my mind makes me look weak. Whatever the reason, I have to learn to be slower in making decisions and be open to flexibility in all areas.

It's weird being single again after all this time, but I'm sure I'll get used to it again. Right now I'm enjoying some down time with my daughter and doing things I enjoy while I heal and learn more about myself.

Now I stand on the precipice of entering the dating world yet again. The prospect is both exciting and scary. I look forward to sharing with my readers when I begin dating in the months to come. Here's to hoping this time around is less humorous to read!

Xoxo,
Leia

If you kiss enough rotten fish, I promise your lobster will emerge.

A friend once told me that I deserve the dating persistence award.  She is right.  If you've been keeping up with my blog, you have read the highlights and disasters of my dating life of the last year and a half.  I am happy to report that I have finally found a wonderful, fantastic man that is definitely worth the wait. 

Corey (yes, my best friend and boyfriend have the same name) came out of nowhere when I was so close to giving up on the whole dating scene.  I've had my fair share of bad dates and crappy men.  He has swooped in and changed all of that.

We started talking on a Monday and met five days later.  Our first date started with dinner.  For the first time in a long time, I had someone sitting across from me that was truly interested in me.  He asked questions about my life and listened intently to everything I had to say.  I will never forget when we hit upon the subject of my mom and sister passing away. I said, "Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"I want to know everything about you, everything that has lead you to be sitting across from me right now."  That just melted my heart.

Dinner was great, but we did not want to leave one another's company so we went to an ice cream shop for a sweet treat and sat for well over an hour talking.  I loved learning about his family and life.  It felt different with him.  This was a date like no other I had been on.  After this, we still didn't want to part so we decided to go to a movie.  The movie was good, but his company was so much better.

At the end of the night, he said he wanted to see me again, but I was scheduled to go out of town with my best friend.  So, we had to put it off for a couple of days, but we were in constant contact the entire time (ask Cori; she can attest to it).  When I got back from my trip, I immediately planned to see him that night.  He invited me over for dinner.  When I arrived, he toured me around his place before playing the guitar and serenading me.  No one had ever done anything like this for me.  Afterwards he made dinner and we watched a movie before parting ways.

Our constant communication continued, and we set our next date for the following Friday.  He was going to take me shopping and to lunch.  It was a great day, and I can tell you that at the end of that date, I knew he was the one.  From the first date, I knew he was special and had a feeling that I had found my man, and on date three, I knew for certain.  There has always been something different about our time together, and I wanted to spend every possible second with him.  I had not had that feeling in a long time.  The next day, we both deleted our dating profiles and have been nearly inseparable since.  There's not a day that goes by when we do not talk, text, or see each other.  He has the distinction of being my very last first date and very first fifth date.  I hate being away from him and wish we didn't have daily obligations that keep us busy, but absence does make the heart grow fonder.

As the days and weeks have passed, Corey has continued to show me just how wonderful he is.  He will randomly send a text or email to let me know he's thinking about me. When I was away on my cruise, I didn't have access to my phone, but he still sent me a message every day so that when I finally turned my phone back on, I had sweet messages awaiting me.  He wants to be a part of every aspect of my life.  My daughter already enjoys spending time with him.  The short time that our relationship has been growing has been amazing.

It may seem things are moving fast for us, but when you know, you know.  I have never once doubted or mistrusted him.  I am not worried that he will disappear on me one day, and I see a bright future with him.  He's even getting me to go to a UF game this season despite my adamant dislike of the Gators and the Swamp.

Corey, I know you're reading this right now, and I want you to know that I am so happy to have you in my life.  You've made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world.  This has been the best time of my life in a long time, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us!

XOXO,
Leia

My Achilles Heel

Bob is one of the very first men that I met in my dating journey, and he is the last story of dating mishaps I have to share with my readers.  This is going to be a doozy.

I first saw his profile on the dating site and noticed that he lived in my town.  Small world.  However, there was something in his profile that just made me not message him at first.  I saw his profile pop up many times without acting on it.  That is until I saw him in person. A friend of mine from work and I went to a local store to grab food for lunch.  We were waiting in line, and I happened to glance behind me.  There stood Bob a few feet away, and boy, was he gorgeous. I was nearly speechless.

I turned quickly and whispered to my friend to look at him.  She did so quickly and didn't say anything.  Once we left, I told her that I saw him on the online dating site.  She said, "I know him." She told me worked at a local pharmacy.  That day I went home to find him again online.  It wasn't easy, but I finally located his profile.  It sure was him.  Before I could even message him, he sent me a message.  I was surprised and responded and we began want became a very long interaction. 

Our first official "date" was at an ice cream shop and then for drinks.  He was a great story teller and regaled me of tale after tale about his life, family, and friends.  Since he was a local boy, he also told me about his experiences in school.  He had been in many of my co-workers classes, and it was interesting to hear what he had to say.

We met again and again.  We went to movies, out to dinner, out dancing, shopping...we spent a lot of time together.  But a couple months down the road, he "wanted to talk." That phrase scares women just as much as men.  So, I met him, and he proceeded to tell me that he had so much on his plate that he couldn't fit dating into his life, and he just wanted to be friends.  I tried my hardest to keep a hard exterior, but this was my first "heart break" since being single, and it didn't take long for the tears to flow.  I did warn him, but he didn't leave soon enough before the waterworks started.

When we finally parted ways that night, we had said we'd be friends.  I didn't really believe that would happen, but after a few weeks of awkward messaging, we slipped into an easy friendship.  We had lots of inside jokes and could keep conversations going for a long time.  I think I secretly held onto the thought that maybe he would change his mind eventually and want a relationship at some point.  After a few months, we started hanging out again and doing friend things together.  It was as if no time had passed, and things hadn't changed.

Oddly enough, he seemed to have a radar and whenever a new guy was on the horizon, he seemed to pick up communication or do something that would give me hope about things happening between us.  No matter who I was seeing, Bob was always in the back of my mind.  He was the barometer by which I measured every guy, and no one ever met his quality.  I knew that until I was able to put him out of my head as a dating prospect that I would never be able to give a new guy a shot.

I did eventually get up the courage to talk to him about dating, but he said that until he was settled with his new job and place, he just wanted to focus on that.  Still, we would text message, see each other, or talk on the phone on a daily basis until one week.  All of a sudden, he disappeared and I didn't hear from him.  I reasoned with myself that this was for the best.  I could quit Bob cold turkey.  It took a week before he contacted me again.  Something changed in me that week.  Not quite sure what it was, but the pull that he had previously had on me wasn't as strong.  I didn't feel the need to hear from him and know what was going on with him.  We still talked on a semi-regular basis, but that undeniable connection I had with him is gone.  For a long time, I knew in my heart that Bob and I were each other's lobsters, but he was just scared.  I now know that's not true and that there was a very good reason why we never ended up together which I will discuss in tomorrow's post.

XOXO,
Leia

The false lobster

"Cheesy Poof" was one of my favorite people to meet.  He was witty, always quick with a comeback, and a blast to be around.  We planned our first date to be a bar hopping adventure in Orlando.  I looked forward to meeting him and when I did, I was not displeased.  He startled me at first, because he opened my car door for me.  I'm sad to report that he was the first man to do that for me that I can remember.  What a gentleman, I thought.

We started out a great antique store/bar.  It was so neat to enjoy my wine amongst cool treasures.  Then, we went to downtown Orlando.  This was my first trip downtown.  I was excited about seeing what Orlando had to offer.  We tried a different drink each different establishment.  What fun!  He got me to try new things such as a dill pickle shot and chocolate milk shot.  And what do you know...they were both great.  After everything closed that night, we walked around Lake Eola and stood looking at the moon for a while.  It was very romantic.

After this, we went to his apartment.  I was going to stay on the couch instead of going back home.  We talked a bit more before going to sleep.  We spent much of the next morning talking and learning more about each other.  When we parted ways, he said that he wanted to do it again.  I was what I call cautiously optimistic.  I have had many good first dates that didn't turn into anything.

However, over the week that followed, he and I kept in good contact.  Maybe he had lobster potential after all.  We did have difficulty making time for a second date.  Between my limited schedule and his friends coming to visit, we were unable to make plans for weeks.  About a month later, it seemed that a second meeting would be possible.  He mentioned that he and his friends were talking about a trip to a local springs here for a day of kayaking.  I was looking forward to seeing him.

In the week leading up to this rumored trip, I started receiving fewer and fewer messages from him and if I even hinted at seeing him, he read my message and didn't respond (those darn read receipts strike again).  I was getting more than a little frustrated.  He finally let me know that he wasn't coming to town.  At this point, I could care less, but I had a little nagging feeling in the back of my head that told me something was up.

When I could handle it no longer, I texted him and asked pointblank if he had met someone.  He actually read and responded to this message.  And, of course as my suspicion told me, he had met someone.  I don't know why he wouldn't just tell me that earlier.  We were both looking for our lobster, and if he found his, he was lucky.  I told him just that.  "Cheesy Poof" was a great guy and really did nothing wrong to me except just wait for me to ask what was up. I do hope that he is happy and found someone that makes him happy, but he is not of the lobster quality that I had hoped.

XOXO,
Leia

Sometimes crazy is necessary

"Stage 5 Clinger" was a sleek operator.  We exchanged a few messages, and I was interested in getting to know him more.  He wanted to talk on the phone immediately, but it was late and a school night so I told him I'd prefer the next day.  He begged and said there was just one question he had to ask.  I agreed and let him call.  The question that he wanted to ask was about his hair.  Even though he was in his mid-twenties, his hairline was already receding, and more than one woman had disappeared on him because of it.  Of course, I'm not that shallow. Of course, that won't be an issue, I told him.

That one question conversation lasted hours.  He told me about how he only talked to one person at a time.  "I consider us 'talking' so you are the only person I'm talking to. I don't mess around with a bunch of women. You can check my phone whenever you want.  I have nothing to hide." He said all the right things. "I know you and your daughter are a package deal.  I am okay with that." I was starting to get won over very easily despite my skepticism toward men.  "I'll call and message when I say."  When we hung up, I thought I had found a decent man amidst the sea of rotten fish.

Sure enough the next day, he sent me messages and called as soon as he was out of work.  He wasn't going on the dating site (yes, I checked...refer to scumbag part two). We talked many times and even Skyped.  This could be it, I silently hoped.  He was anxious to meet me, but I didn't have much free time without my daughter. So, I found a few hours that she would be away from home and told him to come help me move. He agreed and traveled the hour and half to help.  He was great and even brought me a rose.  Aww, how sweet, right?  We enjoyed each other's company and wanted to date exclusively. It was much too soon for me to agree to that, but again, I wasn't seeing anyone else so I said we could try.

The next day, his communication was slow. It was out of character and for reason, I decided to go on the dating site that night and noticed he was online.  Immediately, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Maybe it's nothing. Maybe he's looking at my pictures.  After noticing this, I was a bit obsessive about it especially since he wasn't messaging me often, but we had another date planned so I tried not to worry.  He was coming to see my new place all set up.  When he showed up, he had an orchid for me as a housewarming gift.  Again very sweet.  We had a great time.  Maybe the past two days were just a fluke.  He went back home, and I felt only slightly better about him.

However, the following day, the same things started happening.  Very little communication and lots of online dating site activity.  When I noticed this, I will confess that I did something a little extreme (something I had not done before or since), but I had learned time and time again to trust my intuition, and every cell in my body was screaming that something was up.  I went onto the dating site and made a fake profile and viewed his profile (it shows who views you).  Surely, he wouldn't message the fake me, but he did.  He proceeded to feed me the same garbage a second time around. He's not seeing anyone and focuses on one person at a time, blah, blah, blah.  I was both angry and vindicated at the same time.  I knew something was not right, and this just confirmed my suspicions.  I waited a bit before texting him that I was done with him.

"Why baby? I want to see you."

I told him that he was not being honest with me and that I told him from day one, I don't play games and need no drama in my life.  He wanted to know how he wasn't being honest.

"You're not only talking to me and you're still going on the dating site to meet people."

He did not respond, but sure enough, when he got off work, my phone rang.

"What's this all about?"

"I told you that I wanted you to delete your profile. You know what happened with the last guy who tried that on me."
We had a long conversation, but the whole time I knew that I was done with him, and he kept piling lie after lie on.

"Fine, I'll delete my profile if that makes you happy, but if I say it's deleted, it's deleted.  You don't get to check up on me. You just trust me.  That's what a relationship is."

What a crock of crap.

"Fine."

We hung up.  Then, guess what he did.  Did he go delete his profile? Nope.  He went on and messaged the fake me.  What a dirtbag.  I went back and forth with him before I couldn't stand it anymore.  I sent a final message to him telling him to try his BS on someone stupid enough to believe it before deleting my fake profile.

I figured he'd make the connection that it was me, but evidently he was as stupid as he was shady.  He tried calling and texting the real me, but I was busy with a friend and didn't respond.  When he hadn't heard from me all the next day, he called me.  I happened to be sitting my best friend's couch.  I didn't want to, but I answered the phone.

"What happened to you today? I texted you this morning."

I didn't say anything for a while and don't know quite how I started the rest of my speech.  But eventually I said, "I know you're lying to me."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're still trying to meet other women."

"No, I'm not."

We went back and forth.  "So you're telling me the name Chloe means nothing to you?"

"I have never talked to anyone with that name before.  I don't know what you're talking about."

"Listen, we're both adults, and we both know you're lying.  If you want to pretend you're not, go ahead, but we're done."

He was silent for a minute.  "Well, I'm not lying, but I guess that's that."

I hung up then.  I am not one for confrontation, so that conversation was difficult for me.  Unfortunately for future men, this idiot created a big mistrust issue that has been hard for me to work through.  And what I hate most is that, he is going to continue pulling this crap on other women and some of them will not catch on and will get really hurt.  Why he would not just be honest and say he was talking to other people is beyond me.  Some people...

XOXO,
Leia

That's so cold

"Shoe Boy" was quite a character.  He took me to dinner for our first date and followed that with a trip to a wine bar and then to listen to live music.  That's the way to win me over.  We had a great time.  However, the fabled "sparks" weren't there on that first date.  I hoped that the next meeting would produce sparks, and it did just that.  We had another dinner out followed with lots of deep conversation and movie watching, two of my favorites.  Date three was sure to be even better.  It was the same type of date, but we still enjoyed each other's company.  He seemed to be really into me, and I was feeling really comfortable with him.  I texted him that I missed him and looked forward to our next meeting.  Later, I realized that I had left a pair of shoes at his apartment.  So, I let him know that.  He did not respond to either of these messages.  However, he had an iPhone and had read receipts turned on. I knew he read my messages and chose not to respond.  It took days of waiting before I finally got a response from him.  By this time, I was mad that he kept reading messages without responding but I wanted my damn shoes back.  He proceeded to tell me that I was moving too fast for him and he just wasn't ready for a serious relationship.  Really? Because I said I missed him? I miss lots of people...my students, my friends, my co-workers.  What an ass.  I gave up on the shoes and cut my losses, assuming I was done with him.

He had different ideas.  Weeks later, he messaged me and started telling me that he missed me and wanted to see me.  He even suggested moving in together and me being his sugar mama. This just made me laugh.  A sugar mama on a teacher's salary.  This guy was severely unbalanced.  We did not see each other again, but he kept messaging me every few weeks.  When I didn't respond via text message, he tried the dating site.  He would send a message and wait a few days or week before trying again.  I didn't hear from him for a while.  About a month ago, I got a text message from a number I didn't recognize.  The area code was from Philadelphia.  I didn't know anyone from Pennsylvania. I was with my best friend, and she goaded me to ask who it was.

Before continuing, I must say that in the last few months, I started using iPhone read receipts.  So, when I sent, "Hi. Who is this?" and he responded back with his name and a frowny face, it showed me as having read the message.  Obviously, I wasn't going to respond.  He tried to move in with me.  After a few minutes, I received another message that said, "That's cold."  I found this beyond comical as he had done the same thing to me six months earlier.

He did not message me again for a week.  It came on the dating site and said, "You don't even want to hear what I have to say?"  I have come across some pretty persistent people in my experiences.  I happened to delete my dating profile a few days later and haven't heard from him. I'm hoping that it stays that way.

XOXO,
Leia