What do I want?

As I prepare to embark into the dating world again, I know that I will inevitably be asked some variation of the above question. It’s common dating fonder. So now I’m questioning myself. What is it I want in a mate? What am I looking for in my future? I thought I knew, and I thought I had what I wanted. However, with the end of another relationship, do I really know what it is I want in my future partner?


During my last foray into dating, a friend sent me a list of must haves for my future mate. This list was the bare bones of what a man needs to be your potential life partner. I want to share it with my readers in case any of you are also in this crazy dating adventure like me. These are not necessarily in order of importance, and these are her exact words. They are full of wisdom so I didn’t want to lose a single morsel of meaning.

• A career NOT  a job—jobs you get/lose – you don’t “lose” a career – no snobbery here – mechanics have careers – point is the guy can support himself and someone is willing to pay for his services
• Best friend – and you need to like this best friend – a man’s best friend tells a lot about him – a guy with no “buddy” is  a pathetic loser
• A vehicle – if he can’t get around on his own he will be asking you for rides – no excuses here – a single guy MUST have transportation of his own
• A home of his own – can be an apartment but it must be his name on lease/mortgage – guys in their 30s shouldn’t still be living with family/friends/crashing on someone’s couch
• A dentist/doctor – ask him who he goes to – if he doesn’t /can’t/isn’t willing to see a dentist/doctor on a regular basis it’s a clear sign he doesn’t take care of himself and can’t/won’t take care of others --- 30s are a time when guys have realized they are not kids anymore and they need to take care of their teeth and health
• The ability to speak kindly about exes – a man who can’t speak kindly about a woman he once loved is a loser – pure and simple
• A bank account AND a savings account – single and in his 30s? he should have more money coming in than going out – if he doesn’t have extra money when he’s single, he can’t afford a new life/wife
• A solid, healthy relationship with his children/siblings/parents   … or a darn good reason why not – this is a real key insight into a man – look closely at the relationships, too – does he let his children walk all over him because he feels guilty about the divorce? Do his siblings walk on him/borrow money from him/treat him like dirt? Does he rely on them for money? Is his relationship with his mom healthy or is he a mamma’s boy?
• The ability to pass a criminal background check – if there’s something in his past, can he explain it? Goals for his life – and these goals must align with yours – does he want to travel the world with a backpack and a smile? Doesn’t work well with someone who has a job and kids --

After going through her list many times, I decided I wanted to make my own of must haves above and beyond these basics. At the time I made the list, I was on eHarmony so I did what teachers do best and borrowed from their rather extensive list of “must haves” and “can’t stands.” Now that I’ve been in an actual loving relationship after my divorce, I have a better understanding of what I need to be happy with a mate and have modified the list which follows.


He must:

• love my daughter and understand that she is, and always will be, first in my life. He must be willing to take on the role of parent and be with us for the ups and downs.
• make “us” a priority. Maintaining a relationship isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes work from both parties. When I’m with someone, I do my best to make our relationship a priority. That can come in the form of planning time together or just letting him know that I’m thinking of him throughout the day. I must have a man that puts in that type of effort, too. I don’t need someone to be at my house every night or contacting me 24-7, but if I wonder if he’s forgotten about me or I’m not worth his time, I’m going to feel unimportant.
• be trustworthy and loyal. I’ve been cheated on in the past so, unfortunately, there’s a certain amount of “baggage” from that in the trust area. My man will never give a reason to doubt his love or trust and will understand that the past will occasionally rear its ugly head and will help me through that time.
• follow through. If we have plans, barring an actual emergency, don’t cancel. If you say you’ll call, then do it. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
• be a good communicator. Anyone who knows me knows I love to talk. It could be mindless banter about TV shows or deep conversation about life. My perfect man will be able to keep up with my endless talking.
• be affectionate. I love surprise kisses or a tender touch out of the blue. I cannot date someone who is emotionally closed off. To clarify, affection and sex are not interchangeable terms. Spending time cuddling with someone important is more satisfying than anything I can think of.
• be family oriented. I value family time and need a man who wants a family and values his and my family.
• be willing to do his part. Teaching and taking care of my daughter is a busy job. Maintaining a clean home and taking care of the various aspects of day to day life is hard. My perfect man will be willing to help out around the house and with the various tasks required of adults.
• be open to new experiences. I like to try new foods, locales, and activities. He must be willing to take on new adventures with me.
• be willing to compromise. We won't always agree on the same movies or activities but a man who is willing to come up with a happy medium to please us both will be perfect for me.

I kept my lists in my bag at all times when I was dating before and I plan to do the same thing with this new and improved version of my must haves. Any man who doesn't measure up isn't worth my time. Now here's to hoping he's actually out there


Xoxo,
Leia