I miss him, I think, or maybe I'm lonely...or I miss him

I've been spending a good part of my evenings in the past week reading dating blogs. It makes me feel as if I'm not in this crazy single world alone. Although I've decided to postpone the actual dating, I feel a kinship with these women. I remember how hard dating and being rejected was, and to be perfectly honest, I am beyond frightened at the thought of that again. Perhaps it is with this fear that I find myself missing my ex-boyfriend so much.

 

But do I really miss him or is it that I just miss being with someone?

 

Here's what I know I miss:

• I miss getting good morning and good night texts every day. Knowing that someone is thinking of me each morning and night felt amazing.
• I miss cuddling. As I said in a previous post, cuddling is my all time favorite thing to do with a man. The closeness of having his arms around me was beyond compare.
• I miss having someone to call when I had a bad day or meltdown. My friends are great and will always listen, but it's not quite the same as having your significant other by your side no matter what.
• I miss the prospect of spending my life with someone. To think and talk about our future together and wonder what was next for us was so exciting.
• I miss having that go-to person to spend time with. Being in a relationship means you always have a date to the office party or a movie companion.
• I miss the comfort. After spending months with someone, the level of comfort that grows made me feel at ease. It was easy being with him. I knew what to expect.
• I miss sweet nothings. Nothing brought a smile to my face like a sweet email, text, or call out of the blue to say "I love you."
• I miss sharing a life with someone. While we did not live together, being in a relationship made me feel as if it were us against the world.
• I miss having someone to share things with. In the past weeks, I can't count the number of times I've thought, "I should text Corey that" about random things he would laugh at or find interesting only to remember I can't do that anymore.

 Each day that passes, I find myself second guessing my decision. Did I mess up? Did I fall prey to "the grass is greener on the other side" problem? If I did make a mistake, should I try to fix it? Is it even fixable?  These questions plague me not just on a daily basis but an hourly basis. My friends reassure me and remind me of why I made my choice, and I love them for that and I know that they would support me in whatever I ever do. I'm sure I'm not the only who wishes she had a crystal ball and an easy answer to life's big question and what the future holds. But, alas, we are not that lucky, and I move forward through another day with thoughts bouncing around in my head and wishing I had a bit of peace!

XOXO,

Leia

What do I want?

As I prepare to embark into the dating world again, I know that I will inevitably be asked some variation of the above question. It’s common dating fonder. So now I’m questioning myself. What is it I want in a mate? What am I looking for in my future? I thought I knew, and I thought I had what I wanted. However, with the end of another relationship, do I really know what it is I want in my future partner?


During my last foray into dating, a friend sent me a list of must haves for my future mate. This list was the bare bones of what a man needs to be your potential life partner. I want to share it with my readers in case any of you are also in this crazy dating adventure like me. These are not necessarily in order of importance, and these are her exact words. They are full of wisdom so I didn’t want to lose a single morsel of meaning.

• A career NOT  a job—jobs you get/lose – you don’t “lose” a career – no snobbery here – mechanics have careers – point is the guy can support himself and someone is willing to pay for his services
• Best friend – and you need to like this best friend – a man’s best friend tells a lot about him – a guy with no “buddy” is  a pathetic loser
• A vehicle – if he can’t get around on his own he will be asking you for rides – no excuses here – a single guy MUST have transportation of his own
• A home of his own – can be an apartment but it must be his name on lease/mortgage – guys in their 30s shouldn’t still be living with family/friends/crashing on someone’s couch
• A dentist/doctor – ask him who he goes to – if he doesn’t /can’t/isn’t willing to see a dentist/doctor on a regular basis it’s a clear sign he doesn’t take care of himself and can’t/won’t take care of others --- 30s are a time when guys have realized they are not kids anymore and they need to take care of their teeth and health
• The ability to speak kindly about exes – a man who can’t speak kindly about a woman he once loved is a loser – pure and simple
• A bank account AND a savings account – single and in his 30s? he should have more money coming in than going out – if he doesn’t have extra money when he’s single, he can’t afford a new life/wife
• A solid, healthy relationship with his children/siblings/parents   … or a darn good reason why not – this is a real key insight into a man – look closely at the relationships, too – does he let his children walk all over him because he feels guilty about the divorce? Do his siblings walk on him/borrow money from him/treat him like dirt? Does he rely on them for money? Is his relationship with his mom healthy or is he a mamma’s boy?
• The ability to pass a criminal background check – if there’s something in his past, can he explain it? Goals for his life – and these goals must align with yours – does he want to travel the world with a backpack and a smile? Doesn’t work well with someone who has a job and kids --

After going through her list many times, I decided I wanted to make my own of must haves above and beyond these basics. At the time I made the list, I was on eHarmony so I did what teachers do best and borrowed from their rather extensive list of “must haves” and “can’t stands.” Now that I’ve been in an actual loving relationship after my divorce, I have a better understanding of what I need to be happy with a mate and have modified the list which follows.


He must:

• love my daughter and understand that she is, and always will be, first in my life. He must be willing to take on the role of parent and be with us for the ups and downs.
• make “us” a priority. Maintaining a relationship isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes work from both parties. When I’m with someone, I do my best to make our relationship a priority. That can come in the form of planning time together or just letting him know that I’m thinking of him throughout the day. I must have a man that puts in that type of effort, too. I don’t need someone to be at my house every night or contacting me 24-7, but if I wonder if he’s forgotten about me or I’m not worth his time, I’m going to feel unimportant.
• be trustworthy and loyal. I’ve been cheated on in the past so, unfortunately, there’s a certain amount of “baggage” from that in the trust area. My man will never give a reason to doubt his love or trust and will understand that the past will occasionally rear its ugly head and will help me through that time.
• follow through. If we have plans, barring an actual emergency, don’t cancel. If you say you’ll call, then do it. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
• be a good communicator. Anyone who knows me knows I love to talk. It could be mindless banter about TV shows or deep conversation about life. My perfect man will be able to keep up with my endless talking.
• be affectionate. I love surprise kisses or a tender touch out of the blue. I cannot date someone who is emotionally closed off. To clarify, affection and sex are not interchangeable terms. Spending time cuddling with someone important is more satisfying than anything I can think of.
• be family oriented. I value family time and need a man who wants a family and values his and my family.
• be willing to do his part. Teaching and taking care of my daughter is a busy job. Maintaining a clean home and taking care of the various aspects of day to day life is hard. My perfect man will be willing to help out around the house and with the various tasks required of adults.
• be open to new experiences. I like to try new foods, locales, and activities. He must be willing to take on new adventures with me.
• be willing to compromise. We won't always agree on the same movies or activities but a man who is willing to come up with a happy medium to please us both will be perfect for me.

I kept my lists in my bag at all times when I was dating before and I plan to do the same thing with this new and improved version of my must haves. Any man who doesn't measure up isn't worth my time. Now here's to hoping he's actually out there


Xoxo,
Leia

I didn't expect to be writing here again!

Hello again, readers. It's been a few months since I've written a post. I've spent the last nine months dating a man who I felt was my lobster. However, things did not work out that way. I'm going to respect our privacy and not air our personal business. Corey has many wonderful qualities, but I had reasons which led me to end our relationship. I'm working through my feelings, because although this is my doing, I am still hurting. It's not easy to turn off nine months of feelings and memories. I'm hoping that one day I will wake and go through my day without everything reminding me of him. Whether or not I made the right decision, I'm not entirely sure, but what is done is done.

Instead of detailing my relationship with Corey, I've decided to focus on what I learned or had reaffirmed about myself during our time together.

First and foremost, I hate conflict. I can't stand to get into a fight or argument with anyone. As a result, I seem to keep things that bother me in a relationship to myself. As I bottle my annoyances up, they eat away at me until I am too angry. This is when I am forced to talk with my significant other. This happened with Corey. I know that this is a huge area I need to work on in myself. I have to get over my fear of confrontation and bring issues up immediately.

The other thing I learned about myself is that I live too much in the future. I'm constantly thinking about what's coming next instead of enjoying the present fully. This is my number one priority right now. Having a daughter who is growing so quickly is helping me to remember to enjoy each and every moment.

Finally, I'm too rigid and rash. Once I make a decision, I don't want to back down and I want to proceed with said decision immediately. I don't know why; perhaps I feel changing my mind makes me look weak. Whatever the reason, I have to learn to be slower in making decisions and be open to flexibility in all areas.

It's weird being single again after all this time, but I'm sure I'll get used to it again. Right now I'm enjoying some down time with my daughter and doing things I enjoy while I heal and learn more about myself.

Now I stand on the precipice of entering the dating world yet again. The prospect is both exciting and scary. I look forward to sharing with my readers when I begin dating in the months to come. Here's to hoping this time around is less humorous to read!

Xoxo,
Leia